Maybe its because I went to bed some time after 6am, got woken up at 7.30am and had a 5 hour shift at work today. Or maybe its because im slowly going insane.
But I started crying my heart out and im trying so hard to hold it in. Thats how terribly bad I want to re-live last night and never let that moment end. Everything disappeared. I havent felt so accepted in nearly 6 months. It will never happen again like that and im aching and depressed because its all I want.
No I dont wish to write every single detail of what exactly happened. But I do wish to say that I am so overwhelmed with an incredible amount of emotions that I cant stop crying.
I will never forget last night. It will forever stay in my heart.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
changes
Im noticing the changes in myself.
Punch ons used to scare me. I could never watch. I always had to cover my eyes..
Now they help me sleep at night. They give me reason to smile.
I used to cuddle everybody. Going an entire day without cuddles made my body ache.
Now it frustrates me when people touch me all the time.
I used to love spending endless days with chick friends. and now I only have 2 chick friends over here and im not even that close with them.
I keep getting so angry and frustrated all the time. Arguments keep happening. I remember I used to give in at the slightest sign of a potential fight.
I even broke edge by smoking.
Whats happening to me?
I dont like it.
Punch ons used to scare me. I could never watch. I always had to cover my eyes..
Now they help me sleep at night. They give me reason to smile.
I used to cuddle everybody. Going an entire day without cuddles made my body ache.
Now it frustrates me when people touch me all the time.
I used to love spending endless days with chick friends. and now I only have 2 chick friends over here and im not even that close with them.
I keep getting so angry and frustrated all the time. Arguments keep happening. I remember I used to give in at the slightest sign of a potential fight.
I even broke edge by smoking.
Whats happening to me?
I dont like it.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
confused about life.
I had my 4th shift today.
I work at red rooster lolol. Like I didnt even apply. Wtf.
He called me out of nowhere.. weird.
But its amazing. The people there make me laugh so much. And one of our managers sounds EXACTLY like arnold schwartzenegger.. its insane! I love his accent so much.
I made friends with these two guys.. one from broadmeadows and one from moonee ponds but like they both are good mates with each other. I got close with one of them. We kissed and held hands and stuff.
We both promised we wouldnt hook up with anyone else while we were like that.
Big mistake.
I found out he hooked up with someone at his party so im all what the fuck. Then I found out it was his own cousin :|
then I get totally dumped coz he and his cousin have been in love for ages. Man I dont know whether im crushed or freaked out. LOL.
Put me off relationships for a fair while.
Im also becoming close with a guy from Preston. Hes so friendly :)
I still have no idea what to get him for his bday (which was like 2 weeks ago heh). I told him my present was the best present ever. Got no idea what it actually is yet tho shh ;)
And yeah.
Im desperate to drop out of school at the end of the year, only I dont think ill be able to get into my tafe course coz you need to have completed year 12.. unless I apply as a mature aged student when im 21? But what do I do for the next 5 years? Too hard. I got no idea. Im just gonna go with whatever happens. Leave it for fate to decide.
I work at red rooster lolol. Like I didnt even apply. Wtf.
He called me out of nowhere.. weird.
But its amazing. The people there make me laugh so much. And one of our managers sounds EXACTLY like arnold schwartzenegger.. its insane! I love his accent so much.
I made friends with these two guys.. one from broadmeadows and one from moonee ponds but like they both are good mates with each other. I got close with one of them. We kissed and held hands and stuff.
We both promised we wouldnt hook up with anyone else while we were like that.
Big mistake.
I found out he hooked up with someone at his party so im all what the fuck. Then I found out it was his own cousin :|
then I get totally dumped coz he and his cousin have been in love for ages. Man I dont know whether im crushed or freaked out. LOL.
Put me off relationships for a fair while.
Im also becoming close with a guy from Preston. Hes so friendly :)
I still have no idea what to get him for his bday (which was like 2 weeks ago heh). I told him my present was the best present ever. Got no idea what it actually is yet tho shh ;)
And yeah.
Im desperate to drop out of school at the end of the year, only I dont think ill be able to get into my tafe course coz you need to have completed year 12.. unless I apply as a mature aged student when im 21? But what do I do for the next 5 years? Too hard. I got no idea. Im just gonna go with whatever happens. Leave it for fate to decide.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
ill be okay... right?
Yesterday was hard.
I went to frankston to get some of my stuff from my mums house while they were at the snow.
Turns out the buses run like every 4 hours now so I had to walk. But it was nice.
I walked down all the streets I used to walk down every day. I passed my old school. It felt like a massive dream, like I was back at home again.
When I got to mums house I walked in the front door and my head flooded with old memories. Memories of the amazing times, memories of the unbearable times.
Small changes throughout the house made me feel forgotten about and like I never existed.
I walked into my room and thats where I broke down. I remembered the last moments I had spent in my room. I had been crying for weeks on end, just laying in bed desperate to end my life.
I cried remembering Nick and the incredible moments we shared together. I wondered what my life would have been like if I hadnt have gone on msn that one time. Thats when he broke up with me. I was in love. We were in love. I dont know what happened. It was the silliest little argument yet it screwed my life over forever.
I miss spending nights with my mum and my brother. Even though they usually consisted of me being yelled at, I miss the company. Sure it was hard being abused each night but it sure beats the fuck out of never having anyone to talk to. Im so alone here. I just want a friend. Every time I become friends with someone I seem to fuck it all up. I know ive changed and id do anything to go back to the old me. The old me that was capable of making friends and not fucking it all up.
I promised myself that when I go back to school things will be different. Ill talk to people.
But in reality I know im only kidding myself. And I know that deniz will do what ever he can to bring me down. Like those guys he told to bash me... great.
Ill be okay though. I have to be. If im not okay then ive let him win.. its what he wants. I wont give in to his cunt-like ways.
I went to frankston to get some of my stuff from my mums house while they were at the snow.
Turns out the buses run like every 4 hours now so I had to walk. But it was nice.
I walked down all the streets I used to walk down every day. I passed my old school. It felt like a massive dream, like I was back at home again.
When I got to mums house I walked in the front door and my head flooded with old memories. Memories of the amazing times, memories of the unbearable times.
Small changes throughout the house made me feel forgotten about and like I never existed.
I walked into my room and thats where I broke down. I remembered the last moments I had spent in my room. I had been crying for weeks on end, just laying in bed desperate to end my life.
I cried remembering Nick and the incredible moments we shared together. I wondered what my life would have been like if I hadnt have gone on msn that one time. Thats when he broke up with me. I was in love. We were in love. I dont know what happened. It was the silliest little argument yet it screwed my life over forever.
I miss spending nights with my mum and my brother. Even though they usually consisted of me being yelled at, I miss the company. Sure it was hard being abused each night but it sure beats the fuck out of never having anyone to talk to. Im so alone here. I just want a friend. Every time I become friends with someone I seem to fuck it all up. I know ive changed and id do anything to go back to the old me. The old me that was capable of making friends and not fucking it all up.
I promised myself that when I go back to school things will be different. Ill talk to people.
But in reality I know im only kidding myself. And I know that deniz will do what ever he can to bring me down. Like those guys he told to bash me... great.
Ill be okay though. I have to be. If im not okay then ive let him win.. its what he wants. I wont give in to his cunt-like ways.
Monday, July 7, 2008
yes sir
I got my learners today!!
and I wanna know if astronauts are rich but Ben hasnt replied yet..
I shall get back on that one.
xx.
and I wanna know if astronauts are rich but Ben hasnt replied yet..
I shall get back on that one.
xx.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Luna Park
Me, my brother and stepdad went to Luna Park today for my brothers birthday. It was the first time id seen him in months.
It was nice though.
And I decided I want a helicopter :)
It was nice though.
And I decided I want a helicopter :)
Friday, July 4, 2008
Meeting people off msn...
...Is freaking awkward..
and I knew he liked me so that made it worse. The three of us got lunch and were practically in silence the whole time, but I was texting this other guy that was mates with him begging him to come and save me but he said he couldnt.
I told him he better make it up to me BIG time.
Turns out after the two guys left me at the station, I ended up meeting this other guy and his mate. He is so hot. My goodness. And he kissed me on the cheek :D it felt like heaven..
We got on a train and went to the next station where they live. We spent most of the time walking but they made me laugh so much. The other guy went and got maccas but on the way out he stopped to check out this feral cat.. he starting harrassing it and so forth, until he came to the other side of the bush and realized there was an entire family of cats and the mother was staring at him. He screamed like a girl lol. It was so cute.
So he spent like the next 20mins chasing after these poor feral cats. It made me sad but at the same time he is a funny kid. And me and the other guy sat there talking :)
If I didnt feel so ugly I so would have hooked in. But gosh I feel ugly.
I cant wait to see him again. He's younger though..
and I knew he liked me so that made it worse. The three of us got lunch and were practically in silence the whole time, but I was texting this other guy that was mates with him begging him to come and save me but he said he couldnt.
I told him he better make it up to me BIG time.
Turns out after the two guys left me at the station, I ended up meeting this other guy and his mate. He is so hot. My goodness. And he kissed me on the cheek :D it felt like heaven..
We got on a train and went to the next station where they live. We spent most of the time walking but they made me laugh so much. The other guy went and got maccas but on the way out he stopped to check out this feral cat.. he starting harrassing it and so forth, until he came to the other side of the bush and realized there was an entire family of cats and the mother was staring at him. He screamed like a girl lol. It was so cute.
So he spent like the next 20mins chasing after these poor feral cats. It made me sad but at the same time he is a funny kid. And me and the other guy sat there talking :)
If I didnt feel so ugly I so would have hooked in. But gosh I feel ugly.
I cant wait to see him again. He's younger though..
What have I done?? Lmao..
Without meaning to, I accidentally led this guy on. I just wanted to be good mates with him but its now obvious that he likes me and I think he thinks I like him.
Im meeting him and his friend tomorrow... with no moral support. Oh no what will I do? Im scared and I feel quite uncomfortable. Im not good at rejecting people. I mean I keep mentioning my crush to him, yet he still seems to hint stuff to me..
What am I gonna do??
But the good news is, I FINALLY got my new bed today!! Its so amazing.
xx.
Im meeting him and his friend tomorrow... with no moral support. Oh no what will I do? Im scared and I feel quite uncomfortable. Im not good at rejecting people. I mean I keep mentioning my crush to him, yet he still seems to hint stuff to me..
What am I gonna do??
But the good news is, I FINALLY got my new bed today!! Its so amazing.
xx.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Guys and hints continued..
Also when a guy calls me babe I think something of it. But then they turn around and say "oh but I call all my mates babe"
Thats funny.. Ive never heard you call anyone babe before :(
Am I the only one that thinks calling someone of the opposite sex babe means something? Sure you can call really close friends babe, but not people you're flirting around with.
Thats funny.. Ive never heard you call anyone babe before :(
Am I the only one that thinks calling someone of the opposite sex babe means something? Sure you can call really close friends babe, but not people you're flirting around with.
Guys and hints
I hate the way guys never get hints. Its like you actually have to say "im upset" for them to notice.
Why are guys so oblivious to the incredibly obvious hints you give? And sarcasm.. OMG. Why cant they just get it? Im struggling to cope because im not a blunt person.
Although I must admit it can be fun hinting over and over and watching them never get it. Its like dude how dumb can you get??
Why are guys so oblivious to the incredibly obvious hints you give? And sarcasm.. OMG. Why cant they just get it? Im struggling to cope because im not a blunt person.
Although I must admit it can be fun hinting over and over and watching them never get it. Its like dude how dumb can you get??
holidays
Yesterday was so amazing!!
I spent the day at a mates house..
We watched I Am Legend.. a movie i really had no intentions of seeing, but my mate made it good.
I like him. Im worried about what he thinks of me though. He was the first person to see my new hair and my hair looks HORRIBLE! How embarrassing :(
But he kissed me though so maybe it isnt too humiliating.
My holidays have been ok. Im just so bored right now coz all i can think about is talking to him. I write texts to him but i always gotta make myself delete them before i send them.
I really cant wait till Sarahs bonfire party =D its gonna be great!
and im going for my learners on monday.. fingers crossed i pass. I havent really looked at the book since january lol. Better get my act together.
and yeah.. thats about it
I spent the day at a mates house..
We watched I Am Legend.. a movie i really had no intentions of seeing, but my mate made it good.
I like him. Im worried about what he thinks of me though. He was the first person to see my new hair and my hair looks HORRIBLE! How embarrassing :(
But he kissed me though so maybe it isnt too humiliating.
My holidays have been ok. Im just so bored right now coz all i can think about is talking to him. I write texts to him but i always gotta make myself delete them before i send them.
I really cant wait till Sarahs bonfire party =D its gonna be great!
and im going for my learners on monday.. fingers crossed i pass. I havent really looked at the book since january lol. Better get my act together.
and yeah.. thats about it
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
WOOP
oh my gosh im in love.
HAH
eeeeee.
just gimme time though.
we be friends.
im not gonna lose this boy.
he turned my day around. right when i was on the edge he reached out his hand to me and saved me just in time.
and dude. he is sooooooooo freaking hot. omg omg omg. HOT. like THE hottest!!
anyways like i said.
we be friends.
maybe best friends.
problem is, hes back in frankston :[
probs no dating for a while then hey..
ahh well.
dont burst my bubble.
HAH
eeeeee.
just gimme time though.
we be friends.
im not gonna lose this boy.
he turned my day around. right when i was on the edge he reached out his hand to me and saved me just in time.
and dude. he is sooooooooo freaking hot. omg omg omg. HOT. like THE hottest!!
anyways like i said.
we be friends.
maybe best friends.
problem is, hes back in frankston :[
probs no dating for a while then hey..
ahh well.
dont burst my bubble.
Monday, June 16, 2008
my back/neck
I went to the chiropractors today..
Turns out due to severe stress and trauma my neck is totally fucked in some way so i had to go get xrays.
the extremity of it was almost off the charts..
it was funny when i was watching dad get his back done though.
the man kept pushing and flicking dads butt.
i got the giggles.
it was amusing.
far out man. 2 exams 2moz and i havent even started studying.. fuck that.
xx.
Turns out due to severe stress and trauma my neck is totally fucked in some way so i had to go get xrays.
the extremity of it was almost off the charts..
it was funny when i was watching dad get his back done though.
the man kept pushing and flicking dads butt.
i got the giggles.
it was amusing.
far out man. 2 exams 2moz and i havent even started studying.. fuck that.
xx.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
hmm
the lebanese (lebos) are overrated..
i was warned about their cockiness and the way they think they rule the town.
theyre pussies if you ask me..
*sigh*
i wanna go back to frankston where it was a case of emos vs. metros.
its far better than lebos vs. wogs vs. turks vs. aussies
far out.
i was warned about their cockiness and the way they think they rule the town.
theyre pussies if you ask me..
*sigh*
i wanna go back to frankston where it was a case of emos vs. metros.
its far better than lebos vs. wogs vs. turks vs. aussies
far out.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
help?
I like him.
I want him to like me.
But to be honest I think hes too good for me..
I sent him a myspace message saying:
hey.
umm i dont really know you so i dont know how you're gonna react to this but i just thought id be up front.
i caught a glimpse of you this morning and i thought you were really cute.
then at the train station when i saw you again, you made me smile..
so i went up to alan on the train and asked him if you had a girlfriend and stuff like that.
but yeah. it would mean a lot to me if we could be friends.
im not usually this up front so im probably just embarrassing myself.
anyways i gotta go coz im meant to be babysitting at 8 =[
*thinks*
ive got myspace on my phone though.
xx.
then he replied saying:
lols u serious :P
yea i am single hunn...
where ya from ?
xx
Please can he just like me now?
But im scared coz when I went into sent items, it said that the last message I sent him he read but he never replied!!
Does he hate me?
Im scared.
I so deserve this though.. I mean after everything ive suffered through when nick broke my heart.
OMG what do I do??
xx.
I want him to like me.
But to be honest I think hes too good for me..
I sent him a myspace message saying:
hey.
umm i dont really know you so i dont know how you're gonna react to this but i just thought id be up front.
i caught a glimpse of you this morning and i thought you were really cute.
then at the train station when i saw you again, you made me smile..
so i went up to alan on the train and asked him if you had a girlfriend and stuff like that.
but yeah. it would mean a lot to me if we could be friends.
im not usually this up front so im probably just embarrassing myself.
anyways i gotta go coz im meant to be babysitting at 8 =[
*thinks*
ive got myspace on my phone though.
xx.
then he replied saying:
lols u serious :P
yea i am single hunn...
where ya from ?
xx
Please can he just like me now?
But im scared coz when I went into sent items, it said that the last message I sent him he read but he never replied!!
Does he hate me?
Im scared.
I so deserve this though.. I mean after everything ive suffered through when nick broke my heart.
OMG what do I do??
xx.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Amazing day :D
I had the GAT today..
I knew it was gonna be a bad day. But it really wasnt.
We were all standing around waiting to go into the exam room, and another school had come to do it with us. I noticed this really hot guy but soon lost sight of him.
The GAT sucked coz my hands were so numb from the cold but three hours later I got out and found Deniz and Koray. Deniz decided to grab my water bottle and squirt water all over me so I got him back :)
till he ditched me and started having a water fight with another chick..
but anyways after lunch I went to go catch the train.
I got so frustrated coz right before I went to cross the train tracks, the gates shut and my train went past right in front of me. I dreaded the 20min wait for the next train coz it was so freezing.
As I was waiting there they said the train was delayed another 6mins.. I was shattered.
But thats when my luck changed.
This guy from the same school as the hot guy came onto my platform. He was alright looking. We kept catching eyes. Then out of no where the hot guy came and started talking to that guy. I was trying to hide my smile.
Soon after he jumped onto the tracks and climbed up on the other platform.
I wanted to ask the first guy if the hot guy had a girlfriend but I knew the hot guy wouldnt be leaving coz our train came before his so I waited till we got on our train.
I walked up to the first guy and started talking to him.
Long story short I got the hot guy's myspace address.
Even if he doesnt end up liking me (omg i hope he does like me) at least I had this little bit of fun.
It made my day.
xx.
I knew it was gonna be a bad day. But it really wasnt.
We were all standing around waiting to go into the exam room, and another school had come to do it with us. I noticed this really hot guy but soon lost sight of him.
The GAT sucked coz my hands were so numb from the cold but three hours later I got out and found Deniz and Koray. Deniz decided to grab my water bottle and squirt water all over me so I got him back :)
till he ditched me and started having a water fight with another chick..
but anyways after lunch I went to go catch the train.
I got so frustrated coz right before I went to cross the train tracks, the gates shut and my train went past right in front of me. I dreaded the 20min wait for the next train coz it was so freezing.
As I was waiting there they said the train was delayed another 6mins.. I was shattered.
But thats when my luck changed.
This guy from the same school as the hot guy came onto my platform. He was alright looking. We kept catching eyes. Then out of no where the hot guy came and started talking to that guy. I was trying to hide my smile.
Soon after he jumped onto the tracks and climbed up on the other platform.
I wanted to ask the first guy if the hot guy had a girlfriend but I knew the hot guy wouldnt be leaving coz our train came before his so I waited till we got on our train.
I walked up to the first guy and started talking to him.
Long story short I got the hot guy's myspace address.
Even if he doesnt end up liking me (omg i hope he does like me) at least I had this little bit of fun.
It made my day.
xx.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Love's on my mind..
Love is overrated.
Yet its all i want.
Its all i ever think about.
We were in love once but now its gone.
Im too afraid to let go.
When i fall, i fall hard and i never stop loving them, ever.
Its not often that guys like me and im scared ill never find the one.
Yeah im too young to be worrying.
But i am.
I am worried.
I want a guy who will make me feel loved.
I want a guy who will be my best friend and always make me happy.
Someone to cuddle me for no reason. I love cuddles.
I want them to snuggle up under a blanket with me and watch movies all day.
But most of all i want a guy that will make me feel beautiful and give me confidence.
Maybe one day ill find another, but for now i cant let go of the past.
Yet its all i want.
Its all i ever think about.
We were in love once but now its gone.
Im too afraid to let go.
When i fall, i fall hard and i never stop loving them, ever.
Its not often that guys like me and im scared ill never find the one.
Yeah im too young to be worrying.
But i am.
I am worried.
I want a guy who will make me feel loved.
I want a guy who will be my best friend and always make me happy.
Someone to cuddle me for no reason. I love cuddles.
I want them to snuggle up under a blanket with me and watch movies all day.
But most of all i want a guy that will make me feel beautiful and give me confidence.
Maybe one day ill find another, but for now i cant let go of the past.
First blog ever *gasp*
Uhh yeah.
Tis my first blog on this site.
Thanks to John :]
Im just so sick of being bored so maybe this will help.
Ive got the GAT exam tomorrow ugh.. its a three hour exam. I made the mistake of checking out past GAT questions *moans* someone shoot me now?
its gonna drain my life so bad.
Its funny the extent people must have gone to in the past to cheat in exams... No labels on your water bottles, watches must be placed in front of you on the table and you have to be escorted to go to the toilet yeesh.
Craziness =S
But im feeling really sick so hopefully ill be ok by tomorrow.
Im starting guitar lessons at school soon too YAY. ive really missed playing guitar so its freaking awesome that i get to leave class to go play (Y)
But life is really complicated at the moment.
My brother thats back in frankston was in a motorbike accident and he sliced his leg open :(
he got 8 stitches. man hes like nearly 9years old too.
Im missing the frankston days.
Here im still trying to find some true friends. Theyre all nice and stuff but everybody is out for themselves. I like people that smother me in love and always have my back you know?
Im getting there.
Tis my first blog on this site.
Thanks to John :]
Im just so sick of being bored so maybe this will help.
Ive got the GAT exam tomorrow ugh.. its a three hour exam. I made the mistake of checking out past GAT questions *moans* someone shoot me now?
its gonna drain my life so bad.
Its funny the extent people must have gone to in the past to cheat in exams... No labels on your water bottles, watches must be placed in front of you on the table and you have to be escorted to go to the toilet yeesh.
Craziness =S
But im feeling really sick so hopefully ill be ok by tomorrow.
Im starting guitar lessons at school soon too YAY. ive really missed playing guitar so its freaking awesome that i get to leave class to go play (Y)
But life is really complicated at the moment.
My brother thats back in frankston was in a motorbike accident and he sliced his leg open :(
he got 8 stitches. man hes like nearly 9years old too.
Im missing the frankston days.
Here im still trying to find some true friends. Theyre all nice and stuff but everybody is out for themselves. I like people that smother me in love and always have my back you know?
Im getting there.
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