ill be okay... right?

Yesterday was hard.
I went to frankston to get some of my stuff from my mums house while they were at the snow.
Turns out the buses run like every 4 hours now so I had to walk. But it was nice.
I walked down all the streets I used to walk down every day. I passed my old school. It felt like a massive dream, like I was back at home again.

When I got to mums house I walked in the front door and my head flooded with old memories. Memories of the amazing times, memories of the unbearable times.
Small changes throughout the house made me feel forgotten about and like I never existed.
I walked into my room and thats where I broke down. I remembered the last moments I had spent in my room. I had been crying for weeks on end, just laying in bed desperate to end my life.
I cried remembering Nick and the incredible moments we shared together. I wondered what my life would have been like if I hadnt have gone on msn that one time. Thats when he broke up with me. I was in love. We were in love. I dont know what happened. It was the silliest little argument yet it screwed my life over forever.
I miss spending nights with my mum and my brother. Even though they usually consisted of me being yelled at, I miss the company. Sure it was hard being abused each night but it sure beats the fuck out of never having anyone to talk to. Im so alone here. I just want a friend. Every time I become friends with someone I seem to fuck it all up. I know ive changed and id do anything to go back to the old me. The old me that was capable of making friends and not fucking it all up.
I promised myself that when I go back to school things will be different. Ill talk to people.
But in reality I know im only kidding myself. And I know that deniz will do what ever he can to bring me down. Like those guys he told to bash me... great.
Ill be okay though. I have to be. If im not okay then ive let him win.. its what he wants. I wont give in to his cunt-like ways.

yes sir

I got my learners today!!

and I wanna know if astronauts are rich but Ben hasnt replied yet..
I shall get back on that one.
xx.

Luna Park

Me, my brother and stepdad went to Luna Park today for my brothers birthday. It was the first time id seen him in months.
It was nice though.
And I decided I want a helicopter :)

He kissed me on the cheek as Ryan chased feral cats

*giggles*

Meeting people off msn...

...Is freaking awkward..
and I knew he liked me so that made it worse. The three of us got lunch and were practically in silence the whole time, but I was texting this other guy that was mates with him begging him to come and save me but he said he couldnt.
I told him he better make it up to me BIG time.
Turns out after the two guys left me at the station, I ended up meeting this other guy and his mate. He is so hot. My goodness. And he kissed me on the cheek :D it felt like heaven..

We got on a train and went to the next station where they live. We spent most of the time walking but they made me laugh so much. The other guy went and got maccas but on the way out he stopped to check out this feral cat.. he starting harrassing it and so forth, until he came to the other side of the bush and realized there was an entire family of cats and the mother was staring at him. He screamed like a girl lol. It was so cute.
So he spent like the next 20mins chasing after these poor feral cats. It made me sad but at the same time he is a funny kid. And me and the other guy sat there talking :)
If I didnt feel so ugly I so would have hooked in. But gosh I feel ugly.
I cant wait to see him again. He's younger though..

What have I done?? Lmao..

Without meaning to, I accidentally led this guy on. I just wanted to be good mates with him but its now obvious that he likes me and I think he thinks I like him.
Im meeting him and his friend tomorrow... with no moral support. Oh no what will I do? Im scared and I feel quite uncomfortable. Im not good at rejecting people. I mean I keep mentioning my crush to him, yet he still seems to hint stuff to me..
What am I gonna do??

But the good news is, I FINALLY got my new bed today!! Its so amazing.
xx.

Guys and hints continued..

Also when a guy calls me babe I think something of it. But then they turn around and say "oh but I call all my mates babe"
Thats funny.. Ive never heard you call anyone babe before :(
Am I the only one that thinks calling someone of the opposite sex babe means something? Sure you can call really close friends babe, but not people you're flirting around with.

Guys and hints

I hate the way guys never get hints. Its like you actually have to say "im upset" for them to notice.
Why are guys so oblivious to the incredibly obvious hints you give? And sarcasm.. OMG. Why cant they just get it? Im struggling to cope because im not a blunt person.

Although I must admit it can be fun hinting over and over and watching them never get it. Its like dude how dumb can you get??

holidays

Yesterday was so amazing!!

I spent the day at a mates house..
We watched I Am Legend.. a movie i really had no intentions of seeing, but my mate made it good.
I like him. Im worried about what he thinks of me though. He was the first person to see my new hair and my hair looks HORRIBLE! How embarrassing :(
But he kissed me though so maybe it isnt too humiliating.

My holidays have been ok. Im just so bored right now coz all i can think about is talking to him. I write texts to him but i always gotta make myself delete them before i send them.

I really cant wait till Sarahs bonfire party =D its gonna be great!
and im going for my learners on monday.. fingers crossed i pass. I havent really looked at the book since january lol. Better get my act together.
and yeah.. thats about it